Anonymous true stories of young women and men who have gone through and gotten through it.
As far back as I can remember there had always been a strain with the men in my life, starting with my biological father. We lived in the same city, talked on the phone, and I occasionally visited him. But I think him not being in our home, under the same roof bothered me more than I would say. Me holding back my feelings only frustrated me more, causing a deeper strain in me and his relationship plus my relationship with others.
My mother met her husband; during this time of happiness in her life I was in complete misery. I was violated by someone that swindled my mother into believing that they could care and love me just as if I were their own. For all my life I held this secret with me, never having the voice to tell my mother or anyone in my family; after confiding in a friend who encouraged me to speak up I finally built the courage to not only end the pain I was enduring but ending my mothers marriage.
After freeing myself from that pain, I endured abuse in relationships that just weren’t right. I hadn’t met anyone who truly cared for me and I wasn’t sure how that would look anyhow.
All I knew is when men looked at me, they saw a woman, not a young girl. I see it now… them staring at all my curves and shit, it really disgusted me the way they would stare. With all I had been through I gained this fuck men mentality and my mantra had been, “I’m going to break every boys heart that I comes in contact with me.” That was my agenda. I was so angry and I wanted the same guys who looked at me as a sexual object to feel how I felt on the inside; ugly and unworthy of love. So I played the field. Until I met someone who showed me what love really felt like.
While I was battling my own demons my mom was fighting for her life. After a 2 year battle we lost her, and my life felt incomplete.
I built one of my first relationships with a family friend, who really helped me through what I call the toughest time of my life. In our last conversation he said to me “it’s going to be okay” and hearing that from him no matter how small the statement, made me feel like eventually it would be. He really felt like home and brought some sort of comfort that I had never experienced before… We lost touch over the next 6 years.
As I was trying to make the most sense of life as it was, I was finishing up my last year of high school and getting ready to go off to college. There, I met my future husband… what started out as a great friendship turned into something more. After graduating, we went our separate ways statewide but continued our relationship. He joined the military after two years of us being apart. With the strain of a long distance relationship we decided to take a break from one another and did our own thing, but with the way the universe works we came back together.
We would take turns visiting one another, him being in Chicago and me in New York. Our conversations became fuller, we spoke about our future more…how we would raise our children, how we would communicate through the hard times and all that. While he was in Tech school I went to visit him, this time I had a strong feeling he was going to propose. When I got into the hotel room it happened almost immediately, he got down on his knee and said; “I know this is not how you imagined your proposal to be, but will you marry me?”
We got married in a courthouse with two of my family members, that’s it and that was perfect enough at the time.
At the beginning of our relationship I literally was on cloud nine. I could not believe that I was a married woman. I was moving from my home in New York to Las Vegas to be with a man who treated me like a Queen.
After getting settled into our new house on base I had to adjust quickly to his lifestyle. He was an amazing provider, he didn’t fall short. He lived to make me happy and I still to this day appreciate everything he planned for us. But things quickly started to feel different. I wasn’t working at the time, I had no family or friends. It was a feeling of being trapped. My days consisted of cooking, cleaning, and working out. I mean I guess that can very much sound like the life for some but I was so used to being on my own that this lifestyle quickly became old to me. The relationship between him and I also fell short, I didn’t feel the newlywed spark… it felt more like a really good friendship. Not at all what I expected from marriage.
When I think of love and marriage, I see something really intense and I was just not experiencing that, I didn’t want to subject him to a life of me being regretful of my decision to join a marriage I was slowly realizing I couldn’t come around to.
He also started drinking more than usual and our communication went from 100 to none. I didn’t know what he was going through because he acted as if everything was fine with him and in the midst of us not really talking, I began talking to someone from my past.
After 6 years of us losing touch when we reconnected it was like we picked right up where we left off. Talking to him gave me the relief I needed. I just felt like he really knew me for me. We literally talked everyday which was not a good thing for my marriage but I just felt like damn this is the person I am supposed to be with and deep down in my heart I always thought we were meant to be with each other.
I took a trip to California to see if what I was feeling was worth acting on. Call me crazy if you want but that man was made for me. Some may look at it as I just packed up and left but that was not at all the case, there were many talks, tears, and fights. I needed to live in my truth. My truth was that I was in love with someone else and I was unhappy with the rush decision I feel I made for my life.
When I told my husband that I had made the decision to leave the marriage he was devastated. We cried together, argued, fought, screamed… I moved to Los Angeles, because that’s where my heart was. I had to make that move there were no if, ands, or buts about it. I want to be truly happy with myself and my decisions. My marriage was a rush job and I didn’t notice that or feel it until I sat in it I was not ready at all to be someone’s wife.