How To Ask a Guy You’re Already Sleeping With To Use a Condom

Girl Talk: How do you tell the man you’ve been sleeping with for weeks, even months, that on this night, you prefer to use a condom? 

It feels like the beginning of one of those long uncomfortable conversations. It almost feels as if this conversation will change the direction of the smashing in the future, and so, when you don’t know what to say or how to say it, you tell him, I guess. It is your body, which means your choice, right? Newsflash. Or you could bring your own. But that seems a little too promiscuous, why? I guess taking it there gets us questioning the double standards women face, knocking on the feminist door convo, which we’ll save for a later date.

 While we’re here, we are trying to touch on the confidence or the lack thereof in having bedroom “talk,” no, not foreplay, the serious stuff.

When we see sexual relations on screen, we rarely know the safety precautions taken. It’s usually the two of them in the act tearing off each other’s clothing and getting right to it, and so in our reality, in the bedroom, this same thing is happening. Even with our friends, I’ve never heard, “and then I waited for him to get the condom.” There are absolutely no provisions taken.

The thing here is, on-screen, it’s safe, considering it isn’t happening. But with our friends, what they do, gives us more reassurance as to what we should be doing. So, we’re only one step closer to g*d knows what.

If it were the other way around, he’d have no problem asking you. So why is it so hard to protect ourselves? And in the event we do ask, we muster up some explanation to make it sound more… polite. “I’m not on birth control.” “We aren’t official yet,” “no accidents.” Here we go with all the “it’s not me, it’s you” mantras.

Can we want it because it’s the safest thing for both of us? And in a world like today, who knows what you might be doing. How dare he be offended? How dare I thoroughly think this out for his feelings over my safety and my comfort?

 But then ask yourself, why is this such a difficult topic with someone you’ve already been intimate with? No, I haven’t come up with the answer to this question. Sex is still is so easy to have, yet the question is still dreadful. Straight up, let’s use a condom.

As a woman, I think it is vital to realize sex is for both parties involved. So if one day using a condom is needed for you to feel comfortable and enjoy the experience, go for it.

We asked a few friends: 

Bringing the question to a few guy friends, and yes, they were a bit judgy, but in the end, they all wanted an explanation. Every single one just asked that we put ourselves in their shoes and realize that, of course, they’d be thrown off guard. They would prefer to have that conversation before that next moment of ripping each other’s clothes off so they can get their thoughts and feelings out of the way. “If we’re comfortable enough to have sex without a condom, then we should be comfortable enough to have a conversation about sex without a condom.”

In the end, we still felt confused and at a loss for a solid answer. Why not speak to an expert Nikki. A long-time friend of the team gave us her take on it. 

Nikki, co-creator of Rated R The Game, put things in perspective.

BF: Imagine a friend came to you with this issue. What advice would you give her?

Nikki: Ok, so this will all depend on why you’re asking them to wear a condom “all of a sudden.” I would go into a deep dive of questions, like sis, what’s really going on? Is he cheating? Are you cheating? Have you lost trust? Did you catch something? Are you afraid of getting pregnant? This is a tough question because it’s always easier said than done, BUT! I would let my friend know to 1) Be honest- a closed mouth is not gonna put the condom on 2) Don’t wait until you’re about to have sex to have the conversation. It should be done when both parties are in a neutral headspace- because that man will catch an attitude!

BF: How would you go about it if you found yourself in the situation?

Nikki: Same. I would hope that my Bae has good communication skills so I can feel comfortable enough knowing that we can have a conversation about it without him getting defensive. Again, it depends on the underlying issue. If I think he’s cheating- different energy! If I cheated and want to continue to cheat lmao- I may be a bit nicer about it. At the end of the day- I would speak up, it may take me a few days, but the conversation must be had.

BF: What’s your stance on the use of protection?

Nikki: I’ve had my share of unprotected moments, but I also know the anxiety that comes with it- you get a cramp in your big toe, and if Google says it’s a symptom of an STI…you think you got it! Strap that ish up! A friend I know has her partners show papers- imagine if that was mandated before having sex with someone- a lot would be different.

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