Most little girls dream about the day their father will walk them down the aisle to meet their prince at the altar in a frilly ballroom dress surrounded by friends, family and an absurd amount of flowers. I was never one of those little girls. I dreamed of being a boss, and having this high-powered career in which I was able to afford all the amenities available to the lifestyle I desired to live. Maybe because I grew up surrounded by women, including my single-mother, I was never counting on the idea of a husband or partner in that capacity.
As time progressed I found myself in and then out of a few pivotal relationships. There was my first love, an unexpected relationship and then the man I’m with now- my twin flame. Throughout some of my past relationships I had an idea of marriage but it now seems dwarfed in comparison to my ideal partnership. I’ve expanded my desires because this relationship has exposed me to that much more. I’m living in a space and time where I’m seeing people get engaged because they just feel like it’s the next step in this obscure order that they personally don’t even subscribe to. It’s like “oh we’ve dated for 4-6 years and we live together so we must get married and have kids next.” I don’t want to do anything because it feels like the next step in an order that I didn’t create.
I’m nearing 30 and more than anything I want to be in a space where I feel prepared for motherhood. I want to make sure I’m at my optimal health, productivity, and efficiency as I prepare for this next chapter in my life. I don’t say any of this to bash the couples who did decide that marriage was the next step for them or the right thing to do first because that’s great, as long as it was done for the right reasons. My boyfriend and I have been great friends since I was 18 years old. We want many of the same things and we have an emotional IQ when it comes to the other that I’ve never experienced before. We have a deep and particular understanding of the work that goes into a relationship and we continually make decisions to intertwine our lives with each step forward that we take.
When we lived in Jamaica we started to refer to each other as husband and wife, not only because common law marriages are customary on the island but because of the elevation that happened in our relationship when we moved there with only each other and a dream. We became one in many ways. Every day was filled with hours of dialogue, every decision was made in consultation with the other and every prayer was prayed together.
I can’t tell anyone what to do with their relationship and I’m in no way an expert but what I do know and stand by is, everything is not for everybody! What works for us will not and should not work for everyone and our desires are just that. But for the couples who are tired of getting questioned about an engagement or wedding that they’re not even planning- lean into the pressure and take the opportunity to free yourself. Free yourself from societal norms, family expectations and a ridiculous weight connected with the two.